Recently a suitor said I should put up more blog posts, which was super flattering. I responded that I’ve wanted to and actually have a few drafts sitting around but I’ve been super nervous about posting any of them. But why, you ask? I suppose I can be a bit of an over thinker.
What if my writing is too all over the place?
What authority do I have on any given topic? I’m just a regular person with random opinions based solely on observation and personal experience.
Am I a little too quirky tho?
How much do I edit and polish before I say fuck it, it’s done?
Putting things on the internet is somewhat daunting, ya know?
I truly want to put myself out there, and in the same breath I’m sometimes a bit afraid of doing it. Like meeting a new gentleman friend or companion for the first time can be nerve wracking for various reasons, it can be challenging to put something out there not knowing what kind of return or response there will be, if any. I also tend to be a bit on the perfectionist side of things. My heart and my creativity are precious to me and I’ll admit I’m sensitive. So as somewhat of a defense mechanism I try to perfect things before I show anyone. To be fair I’m also a perfectionist because I like things to be as AWESOME as they can be and I’m skilled at making things awesome, but I will also acknowledge the insecurity that sometimes takes the wheel. On the other hand I’m a passionate, ambitious free spirit and dreamer who loves new challenges and improving myself. So I definitely know that it’s the decisions that feel the scariest that have paid off the most in my life. I’ve learned that when it comes down to it, if I waited for anything to be perfect in life I’d end up a sad memory who had big ideas but never actually accomplished anything. So here I am putting on digital-paper what’s in my head and heart at this moment.
I think another aspect that gets me flustered when thinking about being vulnerable online is that I’m still learning who I want to be in this industry world. I strongly believe in being authentic yet in this industry there is a lot of personas and fantasy (which there’s absolutely nothing wrong with), and it can be challenging to know what precisely I want to cater to. I’ll admit even in my personal life I’ve had a lot of self re-discovery in the past few years and have completely re-framed what it means to be me. I’ve turned an insecure, sheltered girl in to a strong, brave woman who knows that while it’s a strength to be malleable to situations and get along with lots of people, I also need to stay grounded in who I am as an individual and not sacrifice any of my personal values or self-care for the sake of being liked or even earning money.
So basically, I have this HUGE opportunity to spread my wings and rediscover what the world looks like from a completely new lens. Because of that, there will be an experimental phase across many levels of my life, especially this one, to finding out what works for me and who/what I’m attracting. I’m not necessarily trying to put on a persona or masks, but I am working at finding my groove in how I conduct myself, where I feel the most comfortable and what aspects of myself to highlight. And who I get along with. There’s so many facets to who I am and to the work itself as well as the people engaged in this industry world. It’s a lot to navigate. As someone who is fairly new to being a companion I’m still learning the flow and where I fit in that flow.
So far I’ve received only glowing reviews about my More About Me post from people who have chosen to meet me so it’s giving me the courage to do this next step. I’m putting this one up next, partially to just be honest with myself and others, but also because I want others to know that vulnerability and openness are not only important to me but an integral part of who I am even when it makes me nervous. Nerves are normal and okay and I am accepting, non-judgmental of human emotion, “good” and “bad” (positive? negative? such relative terms these all are. They’re just feelings there is no good and bad. But that’s a different post all together lol). I’m an advocate for people treating each other with respect and not letting our emotions cause us to harm others, but the feelings themselves are important to acknowledge. In my best case scenarios emotions should be heard, acknowledged, examined, challenged, and learned from.
Anyway. I don’t know if blogs are supposed to be structured, I feel like I tend to write in a meandering, thoughtful yet random sort of way and I don’t know if it makes sense, but hopefully it’s at least not boring! I’m aware my grammar and sentence structure isn’t 100% but I’m also going to let that go. I will endeavor to continue sharing my thoughts and I hope they will be appreciated.
On that note, I hope you have yourself a courageous day and challenge you to do whatever the hard thing (hah) is that you know will be good for you even if it’s a wee bit scary 🥰
And with any luck you can tell me all about it when we meet 😏😁